I wasn't sure why I waned to start this endeavor of recording my thoughts and sharing them, until I really thought about it for a millisecond: validation. Am i the only one!? The clarity came to me as I caught a glimpse of my absolute and overwhelming general ridiculousness staring back at me, agape in the mirror.
And when I say "ridiculous", I actually mean I took the crown on every level. You know when you feel just fine about yourself then walk past a mirror and make the mistake of glancing in it to destroy the idea of how cute or well fitting your outfit was when you left the house. Or pee and wash your hands only to glimpse upward to your reflection to see every wrinkle and dark circle and half make up details right there in your face. You can't hide from it, there you are. I thought my unkempt and unorganized nature was fine because number 1) it was of course temporary and 2) I had just had my second child in June and considered myself still in the "new mommy" club.
Then I had to stop lying to myself. True, my vulnerability was extra high at that moment, perhaps because of the lack of sleep or maybe because I was plain old uncomfortable in my own skin or most likely the hormones still surging through my poor body. Frankly, I was caught off guard because when I turned around, there I was.
Physically, I looked a wreck with make up smooshed down around my eyes, dressed in a too small t shirt (and not in the cute Ambercrombie vintage kind of way). I needed a hair cut, nay - a hair style, and dye job as long as we were on it- and since I had my daughter, I have been wearing pretty much the same worn down scrubby yoga-ish ensemble that I refer to as my Mommy uniform. Hideous really. I keep telling myself it was ok and it was just a phase that I would be out of soon. And after that "phase" I would miraculously be a glam rock star model MILF, who wore designed heels to work with full make up and hair before I entered my car in the AM. The unkempt look, complete with the extra 20 pounds I am still carrying around, was simply and only because I was a new young mom.
Except, The truth of the matter is that I am not a new mom. Well, really I am because I just gave birth in June (by Cesarean, which is another day another story), but I was not a member of the "New Mommy" club. Which by definition, if you didn't know, is a wonderful place in your life where you are after you have your first child: you are glowing, young, beautiful, even if you have a few pounds left over because the wonderment of it all brings you to a euphoric appreciative place in your life. Child birth is amazing and wonderful and miraculous you realize and all that matters is your love and your healthy children. Fast forward a few years and another child, does it really count after you have already had one? The new young mommy club was awesome when I was a member with my first child. I was 30, firm, great nail and hairs, still fashionable from my twenties (where I was a bombshell, let's just admit it- 5'11, 34 DD, long blonde hair, great wardrobe, fit, athletic yet slim). I felt cute, I felt loved and bursting with love to give. Did I mention that I was just plain cute.
Now...
Now, how do I finish this sentence...NOW- I feel old, not very cute, overworked, underpaid and under appreciated. Letting myself go. There it is, I think that is it. And we know that as women we need to feel good about ourselves. However or whatever it is that makes us feel good as an individual- pretty underwear, nice nails, new hair cut, acing a midterm, lifting 50 pound weights, running a 5 K, getting a new pair of jeans that looks awesome. We all function and feel better when we feel good about ourselves. And I just plain didn't anymore.
Am I the only one? Am I the only Mommy out there who feels this? And aren't I too old to feel these random insecurities at this age? I'm not thirteen anymore living in the land of the unsure, timid insecure land of peers and change. The voice in my brain says, 'No, you are right. You are not thirteen anymore. You are thirty-seven. OMG, you are 37! THAT'S ALMOST 40! What the HELL! How on earth did that happen, I still feel like a kid...' Am I the only one who turned around and there you were? There you were, in all your truth, glory and fears. In all your ridiculousness. Makes me ask myself, 'Who is in charge of you?'.
